The reality of mental health, suicide by train…

Time stood still although others around me wasn’t everyone was going about their commute, except one lady and her little girl who stopped to ask if I was okay as she was waiting for her train to Blackburn on a mild Monday evening almost a week ago.

I had been busy with my partner in town doing a bit of shopping, what seemed like any other normal day, but with my borderline personality disorder I often don’t notice the stress building up and up over time I just don’t recognise it in myself, and the effect it can have on my emotions. The thing is I’m unable to regulate them at all, learn more about personality disorder here –

Personality Disorders.

I can’t begin to imagine what state of mind I was in on this seemingly average October day. I couldn’t of predicted what was to happen next, but I couldn’t see a way out.

I didn’t want to be me with BPD, I didn’t want to be me at all. It was all too much, my emotions way too intense for me to handle, feeling fine one minute self harming the next, all part of the instability of borderline personality disorder.

So as I parted with my other half, I decided to walk to the train station and took it upon myself to sit on the tracks pushing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs in a sitting position waiting for the train to come. A lady with her little girl came to ask if I was OK and I heard a gentleman on the phone presumably to the police, but I wasn’t taking anything in, any way I knew the train was due with all the confirmation I needed hearing it over the tannoy as I lay there numb. Meanwhile minutes passed into what felt like much longer as I heard over the tannoy that the train to Blackburn had been delayed, I sat there and sat there numb, ignoring everyone around me.

Suddenly I heard a voice “HELLO are you OK there, what’s your name”. I just stared blankly. Moments later I could hear the train coming, I didn’t move and within a matter of seconds I was being dragged off the tracks in rapid speed by the lone female officer, straight away I restrained face down and put in handcuffs with several other officers suddenly appearing out of nowhere, restrained seconds after being dragged out of the way of the oncoming train, it all happened so fast as I was searched and put in to the back of the police van still in handcuffs. The only word to describe it was surreal.

I was detained under a 136 of the mental health act which enables the police to remove you and hold you against your will under a section called a 136 so they can take u to a place of safety. I was took to the local hospital waiting several hours with the police to see two psychiatrist and a social worker, for a mental health act assessment. After being assessed I was told I need to be in hospital but theirs no beds, so I’ll go to the 136 suite at 8 am, I was assessed around 2 am so I’d been awake all night unable to nod off on the A&E waiting area.

I’ve been in the 136 suite a week now and I really hope they find me a bed soon as it’s really depressing in here, just a bed a TV and two members of staff with me at all times I feel like a chicken copped up in a cage, I can’t wait to be on a ward none the less I’m apprehensive as the bed could be any where in the country and lots of anxietys come with that.

Any way I really hope their is a bed for me later today, I’m going to watch a programme on my phone and try and get some sleep.

I blog to raise awareness, so thank you so much for reading this post.

Love Becky xx

Advertisements

 The biggest relapse of my life

 The biggest relapse of my life 

 

img_2215-2

Admission To An Acute Psychiatric Unit

Friday the 9th January 2018

What Happened Leading Up To This Date
I were doing really well in every aspect of my life. I were really happy thoroughly enjoying my life in the countryside with my therapy dog Molly , taking for her walks in different parts of the surrounding countryside all within a ten minute reach of my home . I recall the only negative thing that occurred were I lost my job in events around the end of Christmas/beginning of January , a job I thoroughly enjoyed and which I always put 110% into everything I did at various locations in Manchester , mainly event city in Trafford Park .

Crashing Down

On Friday the 19th of January of 2018 I impulsive took an overdose of my medication , a combination of Quetiapine and Promethazine , subsequently an ambulance was called and I were taken to Blackburn Hospital where I were monitored and transferred to a ward .

The following day I were assessed by two nurses from the crisis team , I explained to them I don’t know what happened I was really happy and then I came crashing down , I also explained to them that I’ve been hearing voices and having intrusive intense thoughts to harm and kill others and that I wish the overdosed had killed me , the two nurses said I needed to be placed on a section , but of course with it being the weekend their were no beds . So I jus had to stay on the ward under constant observation until their were bed availability , I couldn’t help feeling like a fraud sat amongst really sick elderly patients and in the knowledge that if their were a bed another really sick patient could of had mine , but I knew it wasn’t my fault , as the bed shortage crisis is just getting worse and worse each and every year .

Punishing Myself

On the ward at Blackburn I had stopped eating completely and began to vomit constantly , so i were prescribed nourishment drinks which can only be given by a qualified healthcare professional for those who are malnourished , have an eating disorder or are unable to eat solid food .

January the 22nd 2018

I were informed that a bed has become available for me on the Shakespeare Ward at the Harbour Hospital in Blackpool , my only massive feeling of relief were knowing I’m going to the best hospital in Lancashire , I were there previously in 2016 and it’s a really supportive therapeutic unit .
I were placed on level two observation levels which means patients that are on these are checked every 10 mins . I were for the first week going so light headed and dizzy , I felt so close to passing out , on one dizzy spell as I were falling down I banged my head . I felt so incredibly weak I were shuffling tiny little steps everywhere like and elderly lady , holding onto every chair and wall so I didn’t fall again , the wall walk was very supportive holding me up all of the time .

I’ve had a few self harming incidents .

I am still detained under the mental health act and I still want to end my life .

My diagnosis is that of Bipolar Disorder , emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder & anxiety . I over the past two or three years have also developed increasing anxiety surrounding food , and now because i want to die as a form of punishing myself it’s got to the point where I am not eating at all .

Blogging Is Therapy

Ive always had a passion for writing , and blogging for some can be like an online public diary . I write to raise awareness of ill mental health & sometimes I will publish posts like this to give an insight to what it’s like to live with a mental illness . My illness stem from pregnancy , hence the aptly named title of Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood . If you would like a real insight into an acute mental health ward , I also have a Facebook page filled with lots of live videos , here is the link – Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood .

I will end this piece with the inspiration behind my blog & everything I do .

Taliana

Becky

Dance For Comic Relief Facebook Live

Dance For Conic Relief

I have a fab idea to raise money for comic relief through Facebook live while in hospital battling mental illness , as I am aware that some of the funds have and do go to people , and support agencies in the uk to those suffering with their mental ill health . Many of you have/do suffer with ill mental health or know of someone that does . And even if you don’t , it’s good to all support and be there for one another , even if you just share this post with everyone . THANK YOU 🤗 .

*DETAILS*

I’ll be doing a sponsored Facebook live Dance for Comic relief , I’ll be hoping to get others to join in too . You don’t have to know how to dance or be confident , you could just give us a smile or a wave , or show off your Comic Relief Red Noses . If you can’t be here in person , just sit back and laugh at us 🔴😂🔴 .

Let’s do something funny for money and try to make a real difference .

Dance For Comic Relief

My world 🌎

I’m So #lucky to have this wee cute one 👇🏽in my life life 🐕 . Probably Not many of you will know this , but the one 👇🏽 & only reason why i got a dog was for the sole purpose of a #therapydog 🐶, not just because i simply wanted a dog , the idea just came to me in bed 1 day , while I was deteriorating with Ill mental health very rapidly at home while pregnant, I bought her on my Birthday nearly 3 years ago , we all know that stroking a pet makes us feel good , gives us that warm fuzzy feeling perhaps, Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin , & even if your not usually a massive animal lover , they can provide a fantastic calming distraction for individuals suffering from #depression, #bpd , & more increasingly equine therapy has been proven to be very beneficial to those with a diagnosis of #ADHD & severe learning difficulties, & in particular #autism , & although she tests me @ times , as she likes to whine a lot at time , & she often takes forever to go for a 🚽 it was the best decision I’ve ever made 🐕😀👌🏾

September 2015 Part one 

I doubt I’ll ever do this again, but it was pretty grim when i took an overdose. It’s not the 1st time I’ve done it , but this time was definitely the worst . I came very close to requiring a liver transplant, it was definitely the scariest one & something I would recommend not doing .

The hot sweats , the gurning of the mouth , vomiting constantly for 72 hours , my vomit was black in colour & due to the frequency of the vomiting, my throat was incredibly sore too . The most frustrating part was ,when I had just laid down & had just got comfy , & then I’ll be throwing up again , up down, up down , sitting up , throwing up , laying back down & no less than 10 minutes later , up and down again . The black sick also had some blood in it , which left my throat incredibly sore , so of course I didn’t eat either, as I found it pretty much impossible to eat .

So after arriving at A&E & waiting for four hours for my blood results , it was confirmed that my paracetamol levels were really high , it didn’t help that I had done it before , as my body was already weak , weak doesn’t come close , I was feeling so incredibly weak , that I just can’t explain it .

I was put on Two drops 1 at 1st to flush all the toxins out , & a fluid drip as i wasn’t eating or drinking. My partner visited me every day which I was grateful for, but I’ve never felt so ill in my life . I so could of easily been transferred to the liver Unit in Leeds , had me or my partner left it any longer .

I was in the hospital for about 5 days . After all the treatment was finished , two professionals from the mental health crisis team came to see me for an assessment, and the conclusion from this assessment was that I would be placed on a Section 2 , & that happened with an immediate effect . I was very scared when the lady came to my Hospital bed to tell me this piece of information, particularly as she had stated that , the nearest bed could quite possibly not local at all , which is a great fear & a scary thought , especially when it comes to visitors, as my partner doesn’t drive .

After a short while the lady came back to my bed & delivered the news that we was fearing , the nearest unit was in Ormskirk, a little village near Liverpool. And I was to go there straight away , my partner came with me on the hour or so journey , in the designated patient transport , just before heading off though I was frantically trying to google the transport links to Ormskirk, but to no avail . It was a very nervous & apprehensive journey .

I arrived at the unit & after having a chat with a nurse , the same  lady who told me the dreaded news , that i am now detained under the mental health act  , under a Section 2 , the kind lady also gave my boyfriend a lift back home .

To be continued ….