My Ultimate Dream …

My Ultimate Dream

As some of you may know this year kicked off with some what of a rocky start , having experienced a really painful Christmas the month before , another Christmas without my precious daughter Taliana was just as painful as the Christmas before .

It was giving birth to her in December 2012 that brought on my Bipolar affective disorder , prior to my pregnancy I suffered from some anxiety and bouts of depression and had some signs of a personality disorder (which I were diagnosed with in 2008 if I’ve remembered the date correctly, although i didn’t find out that I had borderline personality disorder until shortly after my birth in 2012) , but that was it .

I believe last Christmas contributed to my hospital visit early this year amongst other things that were going on at the time .

Of course it’s part of my Bipolar being so up and down , so enevitably i can end up being admitted to the acute psychiatric unit regardless. It’s something I’m so used to , in fact I’m so used to eat that to tell you the gods honest truth I don’t really know any different, it’s almost as if it’s become a part of life so therefore in some ways to me it feels like a way of life as it’s all I’ve ever known sine the age of fourteen  , so I guess it’s bound to isn’t it .

Since my discharge on the 15th of February I’ve done a lot of positive things , especially recently.

So I thought i would share some of these things with you 

  • Re entered a relationship with the love of my life my childhood sweetheart Joel Hardy in January.
  • Got a new job with a new and better events company (April)
  • Felt happy and I’ve stayed feeling that way
  • I bought a brand new IPad Pro
  • I’ve took lots of countryside walks in the sunshine
  • Gone on a fantastic date nights (may)
  • I’ve discovered more of the beautiful countryside with my amazing therapy dog Molly (may)
  • I’ve counselled more people with more people contacting my counselling service (happy becky)

It’s always been my ultimate dream to live in the countryside and last year that dream came true .

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What an amazing view 🙂

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Hungry little one 🤔

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It’s lambing season 🐑

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Mother and babies 🐑
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Hungry 🤔

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My partners lunch
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Gorgeous food 🥘

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Me and my partner ❤️

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It’s lambing season 🐑

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Becky 

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Admission To An Acute Psychiatric Unit

Friday the 9th January 2018

What Happened Leading Up To This Date
I were doing really well in every aspect of my life. I were really happy thoroughly enjoying my life in the countryside with my therapy dog Molly , taking for her walks in different parts of the surrounding countryside all within a ten minute reach of my home . I recall the only negative thing that occurred were I lost my job in events around the end of Christmas/beginning of January , a job I thoroughly enjoyed and which I always put 110% into everything I did at various locations in Manchester , mainly event city in Trafford Park .

Crashing Down

On Friday the 19th of January of 2018 I impulsive took an overdose of my medication , a combination of Quetiapine and Promethazine , subsequently an ambulance was called and I were taken to Blackburn Hospital where I were monitored and transferred to a ward .

The following day I were assessed by two nurses from the crisis team , I explained to them I don’t know what happened I was really happy and then I came crashing down , I also explained to them that I’ve been hearing voices and having intrusive intense thoughts to harm and kill others and that I wish the overdosed had killed me , the two nurses said I needed to be placed on a section , but of course with it being the weekend their were no beds . So I jus had to stay on the ward under constant observation until their were bed availability , I couldn’t help feeling like a fraud sat amongst really sick elderly patients and in the knowledge that if their were a bed another really sick patient could of had mine , but I knew it wasn’t my fault , as the bed shortage crisis is just getting worse and worse each and every year .

Punishing Myself

On the ward at Blackburn I had stopped eating completely and began to vomit constantly , so i were prescribed nourishment drinks which can only be given by a qualified healthcare professional for those who are malnourished , have an eating disorder or are unable to eat solid food .

January the 22nd 2018

I were informed that a bed has become available for me on the Shakespeare Ward at the Harbour Hospital in Blackpool , my only massive feeling of relief were knowing I’m going to the best hospital in Lancashire , I were there previously in 2016 and it’s a really supportive therapeutic unit .
I were placed on level two observation levels which means patients that are on these are checked every 10 mins . I were for the first week going so light headed and dizzy , I felt so close to passing out , on one dizzy spell as I were falling down I banged my head . I felt so incredibly weak I were shuffling tiny little steps everywhere like and elderly lady , holding onto every chair and wall so I didn’t fall again , the wall walk was very supportive holding me up all of the time .

I’ve had a few self harming incidents .

I am still detained under the mental health act and I still want to end my life .

My diagnosis is that of Bipolar Disorder , emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder & anxiety . I over the past two or three years have also developed increasing anxiety surrounding food , and now because i want to die as a form of punishing myself it’s got to the point where I am not eating at all .

Blogging Is Therapy

Ive always had a passion for writing , and blogging for some can be like an online public diary . I write to raise awareness of ill mental health & sometimes I will publish posts like this to give an insight to what it’s like to live with a mental illness . My illness stem from pregnancy , hence the aptly named title of Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood . If you would like a real insight into an acute mental health ward , I also have a Facebook page filled with lots of live videos , here is the link – Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood .

I will end this piece with the inspiration behind my blog & everything I do .

Taliana

Becky

Dance For Comic Relief Facebook Live

Dance For Conic Relief

I have a fab idea to raise money for comic relief through Facebook live while in hospital battling mental illness , as I am aware that some of the funds have and do go to people , and support agencies in the uk to those suffering with their mental ill health . Many of you have/do suffer with ill mental health or know of someone that does . And even if you don’t , it’s good to all support and be there for one another , even if you just share this post with everyone . THANK YOU 🤗 .

*DETAILS*

I’ll be doing a sponsored Facebook live Dance for Comic relief , I’ll be hoping to get others to join in too . You don’t have to know how to dance or be confident , you could just give us a smile or a wave , or show off your Comic Relief Red Noses . If you can’t be here in person , just sit back and laugh at us 🔴😂🔴 .

Let’s do something funny for money and try to make a real difference .

Dance For Comic Relief

A positive day 🌼

Hey guys just a quick post 🙂

I hope everyone’s had a good start to the week so far ….


Everyday is a struggle to manage my mental health , but today has been a good day 🙂 #makeupday #noworkforme #chiledvibes 🙂👌🏾

Love Becky …

When your mental health inadvertently effects your physical health …

When your mental health inadvertently effects your physical health ...

What happened tonight is a bit of a blur , as understandably so it's affected my memory . But during an angry psychotic episode a door fell full force on my head it's already off its hinges , so imagine the full force of the door just basically fell on me , the instant pain was such a shock to my system I fell to the floor . Anyway I rang 111 for advice , and they dispatched an Ambulance which  came & a sych nurse came & police man came who specialises in Mentak health , & they all checked me over in every way possible although I refused to go to urgent care . And The door 🚪 was already off its hinges but it was fixed in place so it couldn't move , I kicked the door , as i was impulsively angry during a  psychotic episode . And as I was putting the door back to its original place , the full door 🚪 , fell full force on top of me . The pain was that intense i was in shock n fell to d floor .

So I'm taking it very easy as my face jaw & head are in agony .

It's scary how quickly things have eacalatedb& how bad things have got , where I've now acquired two head injuries in less than 24 hours .


 



Happy blogging

Love Becky

Bipolar again ….

Hey everyone these past couple of days i haven’t felt very well at all with my emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder & my Bipolar disorder . I’m putting it down to my ex partner who is still living with me & that’s caused me a great deal of distress lately. Also my phone bill has been cut off , so I haven’t got any one to talk to , apart from him . I hate ringing the crisis team , but now I haven’t even got that option , so I’m just chilling, trying to take it easy ….

Much love ❤️ 

Happy blogging 

Becky

Attempted Suicide & Self Harm in Personality Disorders …

I’m writing this article in light of the news that I have recently read of the Woman found hanged at Hull Mental Health Unit . I wasn’t a close friend as such , but we was both patients at the unit , at the same time , consequently forming some sort of bond during our stays as an inpatient  . I too am affected by this news & was crying over hearing how the The Humber NHS Foundation Trust , has let another patient (including me) down . As I’ve been an inpatient frequenting the units from my  teenage years to adulthood , I have a lot of empathy for these individuals , who now will never , have a voice , because they are now dead .

While been an inpatient i have witnessed a lot of things I’d rather not of witnessed, but I’m glad i did as i now have a better understanding.

A lot of improvements whithin the NHS have indeed been made , like the bold move several years ago to start to move & re brand Mental Health care in Hospitals . The aim was to gradually remove all Mental Health Wards out & away , from the typical clinical environment of a traditional hospital environment , & allow them to become & feel a lot less clinical , as we don’t need to see plain white walls , this isn’t a clinical situation , we are people with thoughts & feelings & we need to feel at ease & as comfortable as possible, while in this ,often scary & alienating environment.It is about tackling mental health together ,as a unit as one & as a whole , as a community even  . And the Hospital wards were also given a different name for example Ward 18 that once was inside Scunthorpe General Hospital , is now called Great Oaks  , a purpose built Mental Health Unit , as they are now called . And another similar example is ward 20 whithin Burnley General Hospital , which has now been renamed , to which it is now called Edisford Ward .

Now referring back to my 1st paragraph about a young woman who sadly hung herself at the Westlands Unit in Wheeler Street Kingston Upon Hull , East Yorkshire , served by the Humber NHS Fiundation Trust , with the Dr in charge who let us & im sure many others down , was Dr Akin .

Helen was a lovely women , kind , positive , helpful , bubbly , & anbitious , & clever too , going on to complete a 2:1 at The University of Hull & also being a auxiliary nurse . 

She will be deeply missed by her husband & of her family & friends .

In an extract took from the news article Women found hanged at Hull Mental Health Unit

‘Loving and caring’ Helen Millard found hanging at Hull mental health unit .

GREATLY MISSED: Helen Millard was found hanging in a bathroom at a Hull mental health unit despite staff knowing she was tying ligatures around her neck up to four times a day, an inquest heard .

Helen Millard, 30, was reduced to hourly observations at Westlands, run by Humber NHS Foundation Trust, despite being under constant observation when she was first admitted and for 90 days during a previous admission.

Helen had made a ligature which staff had taken from her hours before she was found hanging in the bathroom .

Her husband Jon told the inquest: “I know nothing can bring Helen back and she appeared determined to take her life.

“But I do wonder if Helen was on more frequent observations, her death could have been prevented.”

Helen, diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), was admitted to Westlands in Wheeler Street, west Hull, in March last year.

CCTV footage played at the inquest showed Helen walking from her bedroom into the bathroom about 30 minutes before she was found by staff, who spent 40 minutes trying to save her before she was rushed to Hull Royal Infirmary.

Helen suffered two cardiac arrests & sadly died of her injuries in Hull Royals Intensive Care Unit .

Her husband Jon, who met her at university, said his wife had been bullied at school about her weight and she took overdoses and self-harmed before and after they married in 2008.

But he said: “Helen was not defined by her mental health. I would like her to be remembered for her many qualities.

“She was very loving and caring, she was hard-working, determined and very driven.

“She will be greatly missed, not only by me, but by her family and her many friends.”

He said his wife had suffered setbacks in her ambition to become a teacher despite being assessed as “outstanding” and had started a nursing degree before working as an auxiliary nurse on a cancer ward at Castle Hill Hospital and then in customer services for Hull City Council.

After she was discovered hanging from a ligature by her husband at their home in late February last year, Helen was admitted to the psychiatric intensive care unit at Miranda House and then Westlands, sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Mr Millard said: “She said she heard voices in her head telling her to kill herself.

“The difficult thing was Helen was able to function well and a lot of the time, Helen appeared OK when she was really struggling and very distressed inside.”

A Jury hearing evidence earlier this week at an , inquest  into the death of Helen Millard
In a statement read out in court, mental health nurse Clare Copeland described Helen as “manipulative”, “argumentative” and “hostile”, attempting to turn members of staff against each other “to achieve her aims”.

She said Helen “uses her personality disorder when she feels she needs it.”

However, staff nurse Sian Owen, who found Helen in the bathroom, said she disagreed with that assessment.

Ms Owen said Helen’s condition had been improving and observations had been reduced to hourly checks as the “least restrictive practice”.
She said more frequent observations frustrated Helen and led to an increase in her tying ligatures around her neck, usually when she was just about to be checked and knew someone would be there to help her.

She agreed with Richard Baker, counsel for the family, that the bathroom was a “danger zone” as Helen frequently tied ligatures around her neck in the bathroom in the evening.

Ms Owen said: “I have gone around this in my mind a million times and there was nothing in that day that made me think something could have been done.”

Shaun Lyth, a health care worker, said if a member of staff had spotted the CCTV footage of Helen going into the bathroom in the nurses’ office that night, they would have checked on her.
I as a suffer from , Emotionally Unstable Borderline Personality Disorder , as well  as Bipolar Affective Disorder do agree in parts , that as part of the illness , some individuals are manipulative in nature & this is a taboo topic amongst personality disorder sufferers  , especially those of the emotionally unstable type . The staff at The Westlands Unit are truly amazing , they are like my 2nd family .

I’m passionate about making a difference & helping others , in any way that I can . I have my own Facebool Support Page , where you can message me , anytime (My Facebook Page) , as well as owning & running this blog . I’m also considering setting up an actual website where people can go for support & perhaps a charity too .

Dear Helen , gone , but never forgotten , R.I.P Sweetheart .


Happy blogging 

Love Becky …

My amazing Daughters

The one on the top is the one I’ve brought up as my own since a baby , so she will always be My Daughter to me , & I’ll always treat them both equally, biologically mine or not . I’ll always treat her the same as my biological Daughter. They are my world & I’m incredibly proud of them both. Particularly the eldest , she’s come such a long way & she’s grown so much in confidence . I’m so proud & privileged to be able to say that I’ve been able to , play the role of Mother to her .

Happy Blogging .

Love Becky xx