The biggest relapse of my life
As some of you may know this year kicked off with some what of a rocky start , having experienced a really painful Christmas the month before , another Christmas without my precious daughter Taliana was just as painful as the Christmas before .
It was giving birth to her in December 2012 that brought on my Bipolar affective disorder , prior to my pregnancy I suffered from some anxiety and bouts of depression and had some signs of a personality disorder (which I were diagnosed with in 2008 if I’ve remembered the date correctly, although i didn’t find out that I had borderline personality disorder until shortly after my birth in 2012) , but that was it .
I believe last Christmas contributed to my hospital visit early this year amongst other things that were going on at the time .
Of course it’s part of my Bipolar being so up and down , so enevitably i can end up being admitted to the acute psychiatric unit regardless. It’s something I’m so used to , in fact I’m so used to eat that to tell you the gods honest truth I don’t really know any different, it’s almost as if it’s become a part of life so therefore in some ways to me it feels like a way of life as it’s all I’ve ever known sine the age of fourteen , so I guess it’s bound to isn’t it .
Since my discharge on the 15th of February I’ve done a lot of positive things , especially recently.
So I thought i would share some of these things with you
It’s always been my ultimate dream to live in the countryside and last year that dream came true .
I was discharged from hospital on Thursday the 15th February with no warning whatsoever even the nursing staff apparently did not know , last time I were at this hospital I had leave and overnight leave leading up to imminent discharge but not this time . In fact I were stunned as I were just saying what a supportive and good hospital this is and then this happens I were in shock no time to get my head around it at all , to me it almost felt rather underhanded.
Its not as if they didn’t know
First I saw my consultant who is a lady Dr but I stated from the offset I did not feel comfortable with her at all and I didn’t like her approach, I stated this on at least 3-4 separate occasions and I also asked that I would like to see the other Dr a male Dr who I saw once before when I first got admitted , but this went ignored , as the nurse stated for the umpteenth time that the consultant would like to see me I just basically repeated myself yet again to said nurse .
A few hours later the consultant and a nurse entered my room yes the male nurse knocked and simply entered with the said female consultant , so the two of them are just stood there with the consultant firing questions at me so basically I was forced with little choice , which I personally think is disgusting , to deliberately not respect your patient to carry on ignoring their wishes and to go ahead anyway in such a force able manner coming into my personal space i.e. My bedroom and then proceed to blatantly ignore my wishes and proceed . Anyway I answered her questions honestly and I were as open as I could be , given the fact that it were thrust upon me . I explained to her about my ongoing obsessions with calorie counting and restricting and restricting myself to liquids only and my wish to go below 6 stone . I briefly explained the voices I hear and how sad I feel , so you know the important stuff . She stated she believes I should go home , which highly confused me considering that the dietician had only been to see me 2 days ago and she said to me it’s now gotten to that stage where we will be looking at a fluid drip and a feeding tube . And finally , and partly I believe due to my perseverance she finished the interrogation or should I say conversation with – you can speak to the male consultant as I have been told you feel more comfortable with him , wow this female consultant must really enjoy wasting her own time is all I thought.
I finally saw the male consultant a couple of hours later , and reiterated but I also elaborated given that I felt more comfortable, I felt able to do so . He to my utter surprise and disbelief came to the same conclusion that I should be discharged today.
This is why I felt and still do feel shocked at their decision for sudden discharge, because when I said I saw the dietician two days prior and she told me her decision and that she will be back to see me in two days on the Thursday (15.05.2018) and low and behold she never came, but who I did see were two consultants who wanted to discharge me immidiately .
This is why I described it as feeling so underhanded as literally two days after seeing the dietician who I were supposed to be seeing again two days later , I’m now being immediately discharged on the spot . The underhanded bit being on the Thursday when I were supposed to be seeing the dietician again she never came, but instead two consultants insisting on immediate discharge. I’m shocked that the team didn’t listen and act upon the dieticians advice accordingly,I’m baffled by any of their decisions.
I now have mixed thoughts in regards to The Harbour Hospital.
Today on the unit I painted my nails , I had a visit from a loved one & I dyed my hair & i got my favourite coffee …
On Friday the 19th of January of 2018 I impulsive took an overdose of my medication , a combination of Quetiapine and Promethazine , subsequently an ambulance was called and I were taken to Blackburn Hospital where I were monitored and transferred to a ward .
The following day I were assessed by two nurses from the crisis team , I explained to them I don’t know what happened I was really happy and then I came crashing down , I also explained to them that I’ve been hearing voices and having intrusive intense thoughts to harm and kill others and that I wish the overdosed had killed me , the two nurses said I needed to be placed on a section , but of course with it being the weekend their were no beds . So I jus had to stay on the ward under constant observation until their were bed availability , I couldn’t help feeling like a fraud sat amongst really sick elderly patients and in the knowledge that if their were a bed another really sick patient could of had mine , but I knew it wasn’t my fault , as the bed shortage crisis is just getting worse and worse each and every year .
On the ward at Blackburn I had stopped eating completely and began to vomit constantly , so i were prescribed nourishment drinks which can only be given by a qualified healthcare professional for those who are malnourished , have an eating disorder or are unable to eat solid food .
I’ve had a few self harming incidents .
I am still detained under the mental health act and I still want to end my life .
My diagnosis is that of Bipolar Disorder , emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder & anxiety . I over the past two or three years have also developed increasing anxiety surrounding food , and now because i want to die as a form of punishing myself it’s got to the point where I am not eating at all .
I will end this piece with the inspiration behind my blog & everything I do .
I recently moved to the countryside and I’m always in love with the amazing views , so thought I’d share a few photos with you all .
” Work training complete 👌🏾 Time sheets in my bag , I can start straight away 👌🏾 . It doesn’t seem real . After battling with severe & fluctuating ill mental health , I’ve finally with baby steps bagged my 1st ever job , that fits perfectly around my still at times fluctuating needs . So fucking proud of myself , I didn’t think I could do it , & I’ve only just gone & done it 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀”
I’m So #lucky to have this wee cute one 👇🏽in my life life 🐕 . Probably Not many of you will know this , but the one 👇🏽 & only reason why i got a dog was for the sole purpose of a #therapydog 🐶, not just because i simply wanted a dog , the idea just came to me in bed 1 day , while I was deteriorating with Ill mental health very rapidly at home while pregnant, I bought her on my Birthday nearly 3 years ago , we all know that stroking a pet makes us feel good , gives us that warm fuzzy feeling perhaps, Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin , & even if your not usually a massive animal lover , they can provide a fantastic calming distraction for individuals suffering from #depression, #bpd , & more increasingly equine therapy has been proven to be very beneficial to those with a diagnosis of #ADHD & severe learning difficulties, & in particular #autism , & although she tests me @ times , as she likes to whine a lot at time , & she often takes forever to go for a 🚽 it was the best decision I’ve ever made 🐕😀👌🏾
I couldn’t live without my therapy dog Molly , she is amazing & gets me through every single difficult day😊
I initially wasn’t going to get a dog but I’m animal mad anyway , & when the idea soon came to me that a dog would.be beneficial to my mental Health , the idea was sold to my partner 🙂
Happy blogging 🙂
Becky & Bump….