Time stood still although others around me wasn’t everyone was going about their commute, except one lady and her little girl who stopped to ask if I was okay as she was waiting for her train to Blackburn on a mild Monday evening almost a week ago.
I had been busy with my partner in town doing a bit of shopping, what seemed like any other normal day, but with my borderline personality disorder I often don’t notice the stress building up and up over time I just don’t recognise it in myself, and the effect it can have on my emotions. The thing is I’m unable to regulate them at all, learn more about personality disorder here –
I can’t begin to imagine what state of mind I was in on this seemingly average October day. I couldn’t of predicted what was to happen next, but I couldn’t see a way out.
I didn’t want to be me with BPD, I didn’t want to be me at all. It was all too much, my emotions way too intense for me to handle, feeling fine one minute self harming the next, all part of the instability of borderline personality disorder.
So as I parted with my other half, I decided to walk to the train station and took it upon myself to sit on the tracks pushing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs in a sitting position waiting for the train to come. A lady with her little girl came to ask if I was OK and I heard a gentleman on the phone presumably to the police, but I wasn’t taking anything in, any way I knew the train was due with all the confirmation I needed hearing it over the tannoy as I lay there numb. Meanwhile minutes passed into what felt like much longer as I heard over the tannoy that the train to Blackburn had been delayed, I sat there and sat there numb, ignoring everyone around me.
Suddenly I heard a voice “HELLO are you OK there, what’s your name”. I just stared blankly. Moments later I could hear the train coming, I didn’t move and within a matter of seconds I was being dragged off the tracks in rapid speed by the lone female officer, straight away I restrained face down and put in handcuffs with several other officers suddenly appearing out of nowhere, restrained seconds after being dragged out of the way of the oncoming train, it all happened so fast as I was searched and put in to the back of the police van still in handcuffs. The only word to describe it was surreal.
I was detained under a 136 of the mental health act which enables the police to remove you and hold you against your will under a section called a 136 so they can take u to a place of safety. I was took to the local hospital waiting several hours with the police to see two psychiatrist and a social worker, for a mental health act assessment. After being assessed I was told I need to be in hospital but theirs no beds, so I’ll go to the 136 suite at 8 am, I was assessed around 2 am so I’d been awake all night unable to nod off on the A&E waiting area.
I’ve been in the 136 suite a week now and I really hope they find me a bed soon as it’s really depressing in here, just a bed a TV and two members of staff with me at all times I feel like a chicken copped up in a cage, I can’t wait to be on a ward none the less I’m apprehensive as the bed could be any where in the country and lots of anxietys come with that.
Any way I really hope their is a bed for me later today, I’m going to watch a programme on my phone and try and get some sleep.
I blog to raise awareness, so thank you so much for reading this post.
Love Becky xx