The reality of mental health, suicide by train…

Time stood still although others around me wasn’t everyone was going about their commute, except one lady and her little girl who stopped to ask if I was okay as she was waiting for her train to Blackburn on a mild Monday evening almost a week ago.

I had been busy with my partner in town doing a bit of shopping, what seemed like any other normal day, but with my borderline personality disorder I often don’t notice the stress building up and up over time I just don’t recognise it in myself, and the effect it can have on my emotions. The thing is I’m unable to regulate them at all, learn more about personality disorder here –

Personality Disorders.

I can’t begin to imagine what state of mind I was in on this seemingly average October day. I couldn’t of predicted what was to happen next, but I couldn’t see a way out.

I didn’t want to be me with BPD, I didn’t want to be me at all. It was all too much, my emotions way too intense for me to handle, feeling fine one minute self harming the next, all part of the instability of borderline personality disorder.

So as I parted with my other half, I decided to walk to the train station and took it upon myself to sit on the tracks pushing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs in a sitting position waiting for the train to come. A lady with her little girl came to ask if I was OK and I heard a gentleman on the phone presumably to the police, but I wasn’t taking anything in, any way I knew the train was due with all the confirmation I needed hearing it over the tannoy as I lay there numb. Meanwhile minutes passed into what felt like much longer as I heard over the tannoy that the train to Blackburn had been delayed, I sat there and sat there numb, ignoring everyone around me.

Suddenly I heard a voice “HELLO are you OK there, what’s your name”. I just stared blankly. Moments later I could hear the train coming, I didn’t move and within a matter of seconds I was being dragged off the tracks in rapid speed by the lone female officer, straight away I restrained face down and put in handcuffs with several other officers suddenly appearing out of nowhere, restrained seconds after being dragged out of the way of the oncoming train, it all happened so fast as I was searched and put in to the back of the police van still in handcuffs. The only word to describe it was surreal.

I was detained under a 136 of the mental health act which enables the police to remove you and hold you against your will under a section called a 136 so they can take u to a place of safety. I was took to the local hospital waiting several hours with the police to see two psychiatrist and a social worker, for a mental health act assessment. After being assessed I was told I need to be in hospital but theirs no beds, so I’ll go to the 136 suite at 8 am, I was assessed around 2 am so I’d been awake all night unable to nod off on the A&E waiting area.

I’ve been in the 136 suite a week now and I really hope they find me a bed soon as it’s really depressing in here, just a bed a TV and two members of staff with me at all times I feel like a chicken copped up in a cage, I can’t wait to be on a ward none the less I’m apprehensive as the bed could be any where in the country and lots of anxietys come with that.

Any way I really hope their is a bed for me later today, I’m going to watch a programme on my phone and try and get some sleep.

I blog to raise awareness, so thank you so much for reading this post.

Love Becky xx

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 The biggest relapse of my life

 The biggest relapse of my life 

 

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My Ultimate Dream …

My Ultimate Dream

As some of you may know this year kicked off with some what of a rocky start , having experienced a really painful Christmas the month before , another Christmas without my precious daughter Taliana was just as painful as the Christmas before .

It was giving birth to her in December 2012 that brought on my Bipolar affective disorder , prior to my pregnancy I suffered from some anxiety and bouts of depression and had some signs of a personality disorder (which I were diagnosed with in 2008 if I’ve remembered the date correctly, although i didn’t find out that I had borderline personality disorder until shortly after my birth in 2012) , but that was it .

I believe last Christmas contributed to my hospital visit early this year amongst other things that were going on at the time .

Of course it’s part of my Bipolar being so up and down , so enevitably i can end up being admitted to the acute psychiatric unit regardless. It’s something I’m so used to , in fact I’m so used to eat that to tell you the gods honest truth I don’t really know any different, it’s almost as if it’s become a part of life so therefore in some ways to me it feels like a way of life as it’s all I’ve ever known sine the age of fourteen  , so I guess it’s bound to isn’t it .

Since my discharge on the 15th of February I’ve done a lot of positive things , especially recently.

So I thought i would share some of these things with you 

  • Re entered a relationship with the love of my life my childhood sweetheart Joel Hardy in January.
  • Got a new job with a new and better events company (April)
  • Felt happy and I’ve stayed feeling that way
  • I bought a brand new IPad Pro
  • I’ve took lots of countryside walks in the sunshine
  • Gone on a fantastic date nights (may)
  • I’ve discovered more of the beautiful countryside with my amazing therapy dog Molly (may)
  • I’ve counselled more people with more people contacting my counselling service (happy becky)

It’s always been my ultimate dream to live in the countryside and last year that dream came true .

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What an amazing view 🙂

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Hungry little one 🤔

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It’s lambing season 🐑

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Mother and babies 🐑
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Hungry 🤔

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My partners lunch
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Gorgeous food 🥘

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Me and my partner ❤️

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It’s lambing season 🐑

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Becky 

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Sudden Change

15.05.2018

I was discharged from hospital on Thursday the 15th February with no warning whatsoever even the nursing staff apparently did not know , last time I were at this hospital I had leave and overnight leave leading up to imminent discharge but not this time . In fact I were stunned as I were just saying what a supportive and good hospital this is and then this happens I were in shock no time to get my head around it at all , to me it almost felt rather underhanded.

Its not as if they didn’t know

First I saw my consultant who is a lady Dr but I stated from the offset I did not feel comfortable with her at all and I didn’t like her approach, I stated this on at least 3-4 separate occasions and I also asked that I would like to see the other Dr a male Dr who I saw once before when I first got admitted , but this went ignored , as the nurse stated for the umpteenth time that the consultant would like to see me I just basically repeated myself yet again to said nurse .

A few hours later the consultant and a nurse entered my room yes the male nurse knocked and simply entered with the said female consultant , so the two of them are just stood there with the consultant firing questions at me so basically I was forced with little choice , which I personally think is disgusting , to deliberately not respect your patient to carry on ignoring their wishes and to go ahead anyway in such a force able manner coming into my personal space i.e. My bedroom and then proceed to blatantly ignore my wishes and proceed . Anyway I answered her questions honestly and I were as open as I could be , given the fact that it were thrust upon me . I explained to her about my ongoing obsessions with calorie counting and restricting and restricting myself to liquids only and my wish to go below 6 stone . I briefly explained the voices I hear and how sad I feel , so you know the important stuff . She stated she believes I should go home , which highly confused me considering that the dietician had only been to see me 2 days ago and she said to me it’s now gotten to that stage where we will be looking at a fluid drip and a feeding tube . And finally , and partly I believe due to my perseverance she finished the interrogation or should I say conversation with – you can speak to the male consultant as I have been told you feel more comfortable with him , wow this female consultant must really enjoy wasting her own time is all I thought.

I finally saw the male consultant a couple of hours later , and reiterated but I also elaborated given that I felt more comfortable, I felt able to do so . He to my utter surprise and disbelief came to the same conclusion that I should be discharged today.

This is why I felt and still do feel shocked at their decision for sudden discharge, because when I said I saw the dietician two days prior and she told me her decision and that she will be back to see me in two days on the Thursday (15.05.2018) and low and behold she never came, but who I did see were two consultants who wanted to discharge me immidiately .

This is why I described it as feeling so underhanded as literally two days after seeing the dietician who I were supposed to be seeing again two days later , I’m now being immediately discharged on the spot . The underhanded bit being on the Thursday when I were supposed to be seeing the dietician again she never came, but instead two consultants insisting on immediate discharge. I’m shocked that the team didn’t listen and act upon the dieticians advice accordingly,I’m baffled by any of their decisions.

I now have mixed thoughts in regards to The Harbour Hospital.

Happy blogging 

Love Becky 

xxxx

Positive Things On The Mental Health Unit Today

Today on the unit I painted my nails , I had a visit from a loved one & I dyed my hair & i got my favourite coffee …

  • L’Occitane luxury skin care brand
  • A refreshed blonde look
  • A large bar of diary milk
  • Nescafé Gold Cappuccinos
  • New nails
  • My new pink trainers from home

Admission To An Acute Psychiatric Unit

Friday the 9th January 2018

What Happened Leading Up To This Date
I were doing really well in every aspect of my life. I were really happy thoroughly enjoying my life in the countryside with my therapy dog Molly , taking for her walks in different parts of the surrounding countryside all within a ten minute reach of my home . I recall the only negative thing that occurred were I lost my job in events around the end of Christmas/beginning of January , a job I thoroughly enjoyed and which I always put 110% into everything I did at various locations in Manchester , mainly event city in Trafford Park .

Crashing Down

On Friday the 19th of January of 2018 I impulsive took an overdose of my medication , a combination of Quetiapine and Promethazine , subsequently an ambulance was called and I were taken to Blackburn Hospital where I were monitored and transferred to a ward .

The following day I were assessed by two nurses from the crisis team , I explained to them I don’t know what happened I was really happy and then I came crashing down , I also explained to them that I’ve been hearing voices and having intrusive intense thoughts to harm and kill others and that I wish the overdosed had killed me , the two nurses said I needed to be placed on a section , but of course with it being the weekend their were no beds . So I jus had to stay on the ward under constant observation until their were bed availability , I couldn’t help feeling like a fraud sat amongst really sick elderly patients and in the knowledge that if their were a bed another really sick patient could of had mine , but I knew it wasn’t my fault , as the bed shortage crisis is just getting worse and worse each and every year .

Punishing Myself

On the ward at Blackburn I had stopped eating completely and began to vomit constantly , so i were prescribed nourishment drinks which can only be given by a qualified healthcare professional for those who are malnourished , have an eating disorder or are unable to eat solid food .

January the 22nd 2018

I were informed that a bed has become available for me on the Shakespeare Ward at the Harbour Hospital in Blackpool , my only massive feeling of relief were knowing I’m going to the best hospital in Lancashire , I were there previously in 2016 and it’s a really supportive therapeutic unit .
I were placed on level two observation levels which means patients that are on these are checked every 10 mins . I were for the first week going so light headed and dizzy , I felt so close to passing out , on one dizzy spell as I were falling down I banged my head . I felt so incredibly weak I were shuffling tiny little steps everywhere like and elderly lady , holding onto every chair and wall so I didn’t fall again , the wall walk was very supportive holding me up all of the time .

I’ve had a few self harming incidents .

I am still detained under the mental health act and I still want to end my life .

My diagnosis is that of Bipolar Disorder , emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder & anxiety . I over the past two or three years have also developed increasing anxiety surrounding food , and now because i want to die as a form of punishing myself it’s got to the point where I am not eating at all .

Blogging Is Therapy

Ive always had a passion for writing , and blogging for some can be like an online public diary . I write to raise awareness of ill mental health & sometimes I will publish posts like this to give an insight to what it’s like to live with a mental illness . My illness stem from pregnancy , hence the aptly named title of Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood . If you would like a real insight into an acute mental health ward , I also have a Facebook page filled with lots of live videos , here is the link – Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood .

I will end this piece with the inspiration behind my blog & everything I do .

Taliana

Becky

A positive day 🌼

Hey guys just a quick post 🙂

I hope everyone’s had a good start to the week so far ….


Everyday is a struggle to manage my mental health , but today has been a good day 🙂 #makeupday #noworkforme #chiledvibes 🙂👌🏾

Love Becky …

Not again 

My Facebook page , which I also blog from .

I’ve recently noticed that my Bipolar goes in a continued cycle , and what I mean by that is , recently I’ve fallen somewhat mentally ill again these past few weeks , starting from just before my birthday (22/08/91) , I had a great birthday though , and it all came crashing down a week after my birthday , & I guess this prompted me to suddenly have the following lightbulb moment , it dawned on me that I am usually in hospital around the same months every year , just from memory I’ve had an admission , last March & also around March in 2014 & October , January & February this year and last Christmas , & I recall being in hospital twice in august but not this year . My most recent admission being May this year & a week ago I endure the 136 suite , I’m glad I’ve recognised this , every couple of months pattern , it may prove useful in the future . 

I’m still totally unsure why it all came crashing down shortly after my birthday , I were feeling very happy , had even secured my self some work , so I was feeling really proud of myself & generally happy , and were blissfully unaware of anything untoward or of any triggers that may of been coming my way . I guess thinking reflecting upon this , I was hurting as I was acheing to see my daughter on my Birthday , but apart from that nothing major , but none the less I crashed down with an almighty THUD , Whithin an hour or that happy , carefree , confident becky had gone , and I felt a sudden HIT of despair , suicidal feelings , paranoi , and I was hearing the odd voice or two  . 

I guess I’m unsure of what caused it this time because I guess that’s what bipolar does goes round and round in cycles , I were ill in March – May October -November mostly august , & sometimes January & may this year, all requiring a hospital setting to some extent .

And now I’m in the depressive phase . 

I’m interested to know other peoples Bipolar cycles , & coping strategies , as you can see at severe times of distress , I often resort to burning myself …

If you would like to share your story on how you cope with severe mood swings , then you can , 

email me @ rebbeccaclarvis@outlook.com .

Becky …

Captured In The Moment The Day I secured My First Job At 25

” Work training complete 👌🏾 Time sheets in my bag , I can start straight away 👌🏾 . It doesn’t seem real . After battling with severe & fluctuating ill mental health , I’ve finally with baby steps bagged my 1st ever job , that fits perfectly around my still at times fluctuating needs . So fucking proud of myself , I didn’t think I could do it , & I’ve only just gone & done it 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀”

My world 🌎

I’m So #lucky to have this wee cute one 👇🏽in my life life 🐕 . Probably Not many of you will know this , but the one 👇🏽 & only reason why i got a dog was for the sole purpose of a #therapydog 🐶, not just because i simply wanted a dog , the idea just came to me in bed 1 day , while I was deteriorating with Ill mental health very rapidly at home while pregnant, I bought her on my Birthday nearly 3 years ago , we all know that stroking a pet makes us feel good , gives us that warm fuzzy feeling perhaps, Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin , & even if your not usually a massive animal lover , they can provide a fantastic calming distraction for individuals suffering from #depression, #bpd , & more increasingly equine therapy has been proven to be very beneficial to those with a diagnosis of #ADHD & severe learning difficulties, & in particular #autism , & although she tests me @ times , as she likes to whine a lot at time , & she often takes forever to go for a 🚽 it was the best decision I’ve ever made 🐕😀👌🏾