My Ultimate Dream …

My Ultimate Dream

As some of you may know this year kicked off with some what of a rocky start , having experienced a really painful Christmas the month before , another Christmas without my precious daughter Taliana was just as painful as the Christmas before .

It was giving birth to her in December 2012 that brought on my Bipolar affective disorder , prior to my pregnancy I suffered from some anxiety and bouts of depression and had some signs of a personality disorder (which I were diagnosed with in 2008 if I’ve remembered the date correctly, although i didn’t find out that I had borderline personality disorder until shortly after my birth in 2012) , but that was it .

I believe last Christmas contributed to my hospital visit early this year amongst other things that were going on at the time .

Of course it’s part of my Bipolar being so up and down , so enevitably i can end up being admitted to the acute psychiatric unit regardless. It’s something I’m so used to , in fact I’m so used to eat that to tell you the gods honest truth I don’t really know any different, it’s almost as if it’s become a part of life so therefore in some ways to me it feels like a way of life as it’s all I’ve ever known sine the age of fourteen  , so I guess it’s bound to isn’t it .

Since my discharge on the 15th of February I’ve done a lot of positive things , especially recently.

So I thought i would share some of these things with you 

  • Re entered a relationship with the love of my life my childhood sweetheart Joel Hardy in January.
  • Got a new job with a new and better events company (April)
  • Felt happy and I’ve stayed feeling that way
  • I bought a brand new IPad Pro
  • I’ve took lots of countryside walks in the sunshine
  • Gone on a fantastic date nights (may)
  • I’ve discovered more of the beautiful countryside with my amazing therapy dog Molly (may)
  • I’ve counselled more people with more people contacting my counselling service (happy becky)

It’s always been my ultimate dream to live in the countryside and last year that dream came true .

What an amazing view 🙂

Hungry little one 🤔


It’s lambing season 🐑


Mother and babies 🐑
Hungry 🤔


My partners lunch
Gorgeous food 🥘


Me and my partner ❤️


It’s lambing season 🐑





Dance For Comic Relief Facebook Live

Dance For Conic Relief

I have a fab idea to raise money for comic relief through Facebook live while in hospital battling mental illness , as I am aware that some of the funds have and do go to people , and support agencies in the uk to those suffering with their mental ill health . Many of you have/do suffer with ill mental health or know of someone that does . And even if you don’t , it’s good to all support and be there for one another , even if you just share this post with everyone . THANK YOU 🤗 .


I’ll be doing a sponsored Facebook live Dance for Comic relief , I’ll be hoping to get others to join in too . You don’t have to know how to dance or be confident , you could just give us a smile or a wave , or show off your Comic Relief Red Noses . If you can’t be here in person , just sit back and laugh at us 🔴😂🔴 .

Let’s do something funny for money and try to make a real difference .

Dance For Comic Relief

When your mental health inadvertently effects your physical health …

When your mental health inadvertently effects your physical health ...

What happened tonight is a bit of a blur , as understandably so it's affected my memory . But during an angry psychotic episode a door fell full force on my head it's already off its hinges , so imagine the full force of the door just basically fell on me , the instant pain was such a shock to my system I fell to the floor . Anyway I rang 111 for advice , and they dispatched an Ambulance which  came & a sych nurse came & police man came who specialises in Mentak health , & they all checked me over in every way possible although I refused to go to urgent care . And The door 🚪 was already off its hinges but it was fixed in place so it couldn't move , I kicked the door , as i was impulsively angry during a  psychotic episode . And as I was putting the door back to its original place , the full door 🚪 , fell full force on top of me . The pain was that intense i was in shock n fell to d floor .

So I'm taking it very easy as my face jaw & head are in agony .

It's scary how quickly things have eacalatedb& how bad things have got , where I've now acquired two head injuries in less than 24 hours .


Happy blogging

Love Becky

The music scene is about to get even more explosive 💥⚡️💥

Wow well let me tell you a quick story as to how I even knew that this guy bloody existed . 

From the Man himself  “Don’t you who i am ! ” . 

Well I do now & for those of you who don’t , here is YOUNGANZ FUSION 

Well here is that very own quick story so last Saturday the 12th me , my ex (don’t ask) & friends went to see some of our friends perform at a gig which is a local event called BREAK THINGS , run by Don’t Flop Entertainment which is an online media platform for rap artists .

After the , after party which was held at The Paddock , my ex said he would catch us up , but a split second later a taxi arrived so I asked if I could jump in it rather than walking home alone , it was for my friend & his friend , just another random guy , or so i thought 💭 .

The very short journey home – 

All the usual questions from my friends pal ensued very quickly, firing at me like bullets , so it’s only appropriate I use a bulleted list , right ? – 

  • Your fit 
  • Your not like other girls , you have respect 😉
  • Can i have a kiss 😘 
  • Can i have another one 
  • Don’t you know who I am 

Yes I did snog him with much hesitancy at 1st as we was at each end & my friend was seated in the middle & he’s good friends with my ex so us two leaning over my poor friend who’s unwittingly stuck in the middle , to go all in for that 1st smoochy kiss , would of put my friend in an awkward position, I thought at the time , turns out he was neutral regarding the whole thing .

Don’t YOU know who i AM –

Anyway just before getting out the taxi (he got one more crafty kiss) & then proceeded to check out my instagram (diaryofanordinarygirl80) to go onto his page to increase his likes , cheeky .

The following day i proceeded to check him out & this guy (check out the attached poster) is already going places , the talent , pure skill & determination is literally steaming from his ears , yes he really is that fiery . 

Pure . Talented. Genius.

Go check him out on you tube with the links provided .

You may be thinking , what does this has to do with , my Mental Health blog , well this music  artist is seriously talented & music is great therapy right 👍🏾

Attempted Suicide & Self Harm in Personality Disorders …

I’m writing this article in light of the news that I have recently read of the Woman found hanged at Hull Mental Health Unit . I wasn’t a close friend as such , but we was both patients at the unit , at the same time , consequently forming some sort of bond during our stays as an inpatient  . I too am affected by this news & was crying over hearing how the The Humber NHS Foundation Trust , has let another patient (including me) down . As I’ve been an inpatient frequenting the units from my  teenage years to adulthood , I have a lot of empathy for these individuals , who now will never , have a voice , because they are now dead .

While been an inpatient i have witnessed a lot of things I’d rather not of witnessed, but I’m glad i did as i now have a better understanding.

A lot of improvements whithin the NHS have indeed been made , like the bold move several years ago to start to move & re brand Mental Health care in Hospitals . The aim was to gradually remove all Mental Health Wards out & away , from the typical clinical environment of a traditional hospital environment , & allow them to become & feel a lot less clinical , as we don’t need to see plain white walls , this isn’t a clinical situation , we are people with thoughts & feelings & we need to feel at ease & as comfortable as possible, while in this ,often scary & alienating environment.It is about tackling mental health together ,as a unit as one & as a whole , as a community even  . And the Hospital wards were also given a different name for example Ward 18 that once was inside Scunthorpe General Hospital , is now called Great Oaks  , a purpose built Mental Health Unit , as they are now called . And another similar example is ward 20 whithin Burnley General Hospital , which has now been renamed , to which it is now called Edisford Ward .

Now referring back to my 1st paragraph about a young woman who sadly hung herself at the Westlands Unit in Wheeler Street Kingston Upon Hull , East Yorkshire , served by the Humber NHS Fiundation Trust , with the Dr in charge who let us & im sure many others down , was Dr Akin .

Helen was a lovely women , kind , positive , helpful , bubbly , & anbitious , & clever too , going on to complete a 2:1 at The University of Hull & also being a auxiliary nurse . 

She will be deeply missed by her husband & of her family & friends .

In an extract took from the news article Women found hanged at Hull Mental Health Unit

‘Loving and caring’ Helen Millard found hanging at Hull mental health unit .

GREATLY MISSED: Helen Millard was found hanging in a bathroom at a Hull mental health unit despite staff knowing she was tying ligatures around her neck up to four times a day, an inquest heard .

Helen Millard, 30, was reduced to hourly observations at Westlands, run by Humber NHS Foundation Trust, despite being under constant observation when she was first admitted and for 90 days during a previous admission.

Helen had made a ligature which staff had taken from her hours before she was found hanging in the bathroom .

Her husband Jon told the inquest: “I know nothing can bring Helen back and she appeared determined to take her life.

“But I do wonder if Helen was on more frequent observations, her death could have been prevented.”

Helen, diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), was admitted to Westlands in Wheeler Street, west Hull, in March last year.

CCTV footage played at the inquest showed Helen walking from her bedroom into the bathroom about 30 minutes before she was found by staff, who spent 40 minutes trying to save her before she was rushed to Hull Royal Infirmary.

Helen suffered two cardiac arrests & sadly died of her injuries in Hull Royals Intensive Care Unit .

Her husband Jon, who met her at university, said his wife had been bullied at school about her weight and she took overdoses and self-harmed before and after they married in 2008.

But he said: “Helen was not defined by her mental health. I would like her to be remembered for her many qualities.

“She was very loving and caring, she was hard-working, determined and very driven.

“She will be greatly missed, not only by me, but by her family and her many friends.”

He said his wife had suffered setbacks in her ambition to become a teacher despite being assessed as “outstanding” and had started a nursing degree before working as an auxiliary nurse on a cancer ward at Castle Hill Hospital and then in customer services for Hull City Council.

After she was discovered hanging from a ligature by her husband at their home in late February last year, Helen was admitted to the psychiatric intensive care unit at Miranda House and then Westlands, sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Mr Millard said: “She said she heard voices in her head telling her to kill herself.

“The difficult thing was Helen was able to function well and a lot of the time, Helen appeared OK when she was really struggling and very distressed inside.”

A Jury hearing evidence earlier this week at an , inquest  into the death of Helen Millard
In a statement read out in court, mental health nurse Clare Copeland described Helen as “manipulative”, “argumentative” and “hostile”, attempting to turn members of staff against each other “to achieve her aims”.

She said Helen “uses her personality disorder when she feels she needs it.”

However, staff nurse Sian Owen, who found Helen in the bathroom, said she disagreed with that assessment.

Ms Owen said Helen’s condition had been improving and observations had been reduced to hourly checks as the “least restrictive practice”.
She said more frequent observations frustrated Helen and led to an increase in her tying ligatures around her neck, usually when she was just about to be checked and knew someone would be there to help her.

She agreed with Richard Baker, counsel for the family, that the bathroom was a “danger zone” as Helen frequently tied ligatures around her neck in the bathroom in the evening.

Ms Owen said: “I have gone around this in my mind a million times and there was nothing in that day that made me think something could have been done.”

Shaun Lyth, a health care worker, said if a member of staff had spotted the CCTV footage of Helen going into the bathroom in the nurses’ office that night, they would have checked on her.
I as a suffer from , Emotionally Unstable Borderline Personality Disorder , as well  as Bipolar Affective Disorder do agree in parts , that as part of the illness , some individuals are manipulative in nature & this is a taboo topic amongst personality disorder sufferers  , especially those of the emotionally unstable type . The staff at The Westlands Unit are truly amazing , they are like my 2nd family .

I’m passionate about making a difference & helping others , in any way that I can . I have my own Facebool Support Page , where you can message me , anytime (My Facebook Page) , as well as owning & running this blog . I’m also considering setting up an actual website where people can go for support & perhaps a charity too .

Dear Helen , gone , but never forgotten , R.I.P Sweetheart .

Happy blogging 

Love Becky …

My amazing Daughters

The one on the top is the one I’ve brought up as my own since a baby , so she will always be My Daughter to me , & I’ll always treat them both equally, biologically mine or not . I’ll always treat her the same as my biological Daughter. They are my world & I’m incredibly proud of them both. Particularly the eldest , she’s come such a long way & she’s grown so much in confidence . I’m so proud & privileged to be able to say that I’ve been able to , play the role of Mother to her .

Happy Blogging .

Love Becky xx

Always Unstable : Bipolar & Hospitalisation – By Megan Shultz

Mental Health Support Worldwide & Support In Pregnancy & Motherhood

Meet Megan one of my many hundreds of Twitter followers & Mental Health Bloggers , she lives in South Australia , and she suffers Bipolar Disorder ,.Borderline Personality Disorder & Anxiety .

For information on all of these conditions , please see the links below 🙂

Bipolar Disorder
Anxiety & Panic attacks
Borderline Personality Disorder
Bio: I am 27 years old I’ve been living with mental illness for a very long time. But I decided long ago that I wouldn’t let that define who I am anymore. I am so much more than my illnesses. I am a writer, a painter, a knitter, and an avid walker. I love the winter time; I love the rain. I also have a constantly growing collection of stuffed animals. I love tattoos.
Always Unstable: The Book I Almost Gave Up On

When I started writing this book I had no intention of finishing…

View original post 563 more words

Always Unstable : Bipolar & Hospitalisation – By Megan Shultz

Meet Megan one of my many hundreds of Twitter followers & Mental Health Bloggers , she lives in South Australia , and she suffers Bipolar Disorder ,.Borderline Personality Disorder & Anxiety .

For information on all of these conditions , please see the links below 🙂

Bipolar Disorder
Anxiety & Panic attacks
Borderline Personality Disorder
Bio: I am 27 years old I’ve been living with mental illness for a very long time. But I decided long ago that I wouldn’t let that define who I am anymore. I am so much more than my illnesses. I am a writer, a painter, a knitter, and an avid walker. I love the winter time; I love the rain. I also have a constantly growing collection of stuffed animals. I love tattoos. 
Always Unstable: The Book I Almost Gave Up On

When I started writing this book I had no intention of finishing it and let alone publishing it. I stopped and started it so many time, sometimes for months at a time. But earlier this year, after a hospitalization, I became determined to finish it. I worked on it for hours and hours at a time. I took my meds late so that I could have more time at night to write. But then, eventually, I finished it. And I felt so fucking proud of myself. But what to do next? Just leave it alone? Or start submitting it to publishers. Submitting it to places was terrifying, it was hard and took a lot of work to do each individual one. But I did it anyway. And I got no responses. I handled it better than I thought that I would. But I did leave the book alone for a while. I guess I lost interest in it because I thought that no one else would be interested in it and that kind of hurt. 

Fast forward to earlier this week and my husband was again pestering me to self-publish the book instead. He’d been telling me to do so for ages and I just kept not listening. I thought that I should wait and see if a publisher wanted it, which of course they didn’t. I didn’t want to self publish, it seemed like so much work and I didn’t even know where to start. But he helped me there, he did all of the computer and technical work. All I did was supply the manuscript and give opinions on the cover and lay out of the general book. And then voila, my book was all of a sudden on Amazon as an ebook. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I was an author, at last. Now we’re just waiting for the proof of the paperback and then we’ll have that on Amazon too. It’s so exciting. 

So, now I have a book available for the world to see. It’s a book about Bipolar Disorder and my five hospitalisations. Some parts of it were truly emotionally difficult for me to write, there’s parts that I can’t read because they make me cry. But it’s all there. My book is honest and I’ve been told it’s addicting also. I don’t sugar coat anything, every bad thing that I’ve ever done is out in the open. My problem with substance abuse and my struggles with being mentally ill are all out in the open. When I talk about each hospitalization I also talk about what lead up to it and what happened afterwards. I felt that it was important for people to know how I ended up in the hospital so many times. I’ve been there for a suicide attempt, a mixed episode, mania/ eating disorder, electroconvulsive therapy, and a psychotic manic episode.

I hope that someone will find comfort in this book, I hope that someone will relate and realise that they’re not alone. I hope that someone will read it and decide to get help. I hope that someone without a mental illness reads it and can better understand someone that they know who is mentally ill. I have so many hopes for this book. I hope that it helps at least one person at the very least.


Twitter: @alwaysunstable

Facebook: @meghanshultzauthor

Happy Blogging 

Love Becky 🙂 xx

September 2015 Part one 

I doubt I’ll ever do this again, but it was pretty grim when i took an overdose. It’s not the 1st time I’ve done it , but this time was definitely the worst . I came very close to requiring a liver transplant, it was definitely the scariest one & something I would recommend not doing .

The hot sweats , the gurning of the mouth , vomiting constantly for 72 hours , my vomit was black in colour & due to the frequency of the vomiting, my throat was incredibly sore too . The most frustrating part was ,when I had just laid down & had just got comfy , & then I’ll be throwing up again , up down, up down , sitting up , throwing up , laying back down & no less than 10 minutes later , up and down again . The black sick also had some blood in it , which left my throat incredibly sore , so of course I didn’t eat either, as I found it pretty much impossible to eat .

So after arriving at A&E & waiting for four hours for my blood results , it was confirmed that my paracetamol levels were really high , it didn’t help that I had done it before , as my body was already weak , weak doesn’t come close , I was feeling so incredibly weak , that I just can’t explain it .

I was put on Two drops 1 at 1st to flush all the toxins out , & a fluid drip as i wasn’t eating or drinking. My partner visited me every day which I was grateful for, but I’ve never felt so ill in my life . I so could of easily been transferred to the liver Unit in Leeds , had me or my partner left it any longer .

I was in the hospital for about 5 days . After all the treatment was finished , two professionals from the mental health crisis team came to see me for an assessment, and the conclusion from this assessment was that I would be placed on a Section 2 , & that happened with an immediate effect . I was very scared when the lady came to my Hospital bed to tell me this piece of information, particularly as she had stated that , the nearest bed could quite possibly not local at all , which is a great fear & a scary thought , especially when it comes to visitors, as my partner doesn’t drive .

After a short while the lady came back to my bed & delivered the news that we was fearing , the nearest unit was in Ormskirk, a little village near Liverpool. And I was to go there straight away , my partner came with me on the hour or so journey , in the designated patient transport , just before heading off though I was frantically trying to google the transport links to Ormskirk, but to no avail . It was a very nervous & apprehensive journey .

I arrived at the unit & after having a chat with a nurse , the same  lady who told me the dreaded news , that i am now detained under the mental health act  , under a Section 2 , the kind lady also gave my boyfriend a lift back home .

To be continued ….