My Ultimate Dream …

My Ultimate Dream

As some of you may know this year kicked off with some what of a rocky start , having experienced a really painful Christmas the month before , another Christmas without my precious daughter Taliana was just as painful as the Christmas before .

It was giving birth to her in December 2012 that brought on my Bipolar affective disorder , prior to my pregnancy I suffered from some anxiety and bouts of depression and had some signs of a personality disorder (which I were diagnosed with in 2008 if I’ve remembered the date correctly, although i didn’t find out that I had borderline personality disorder until shortly after my birth in 2012) , but that was it .

I believe last Christmas contributed to my hospital visit early this year amongst other things that were going on at the time .

Of course it’s part of my Bipolar being so up and down , so enevitably i can end up being admitted to the acute psychiatric unit regardless. It’s something I’m so used to , in fact I’m so used to eat that to tell you the gods honest truth I don’t really know any different, it’s almost as if it’s become a part of life so therefore in some ways to me it feels like a way of life as it’s all I’ve ever known sine the age of fourteen  , so I guess it’s bound to isn’t it .

Since my discharge on the 15th of February I’ve done a lot of positive things , especially recently.

So I thought i would share some of these things with you 

  • Re entered a relationship with the love of my life my childhood sweetheart Joel Hardy in January.
  • Got a new job with a new and better events company (April)
  • Felt happy and I’ve stayed feeling that way
  • I bought a brand new IPad Pro
  • I’ve took lots of countryside walks in the sunshine
  • Gone on a fantastic date nights (may)
  • I’ve discovered more of the beautiful countryside with my amazing therapy dog Molly (may)
  • I’ve counselled more people with more people contacting my counselling service (happy becky)

It’s always been my ultimate dream to live in the countryside and last year that dream came true .

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What an amazing view 🙂

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Hungry little one 🤔

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It’s lambing season 🐑

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Mother and babies 🐑
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Hungry 🤔

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My partners lunch
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Gorgeous food 🥘

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Me and my partner ❤️

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It’s lambing season 🐑

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Becky 

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Admission To An Acute Psychiatric Unit

Friday the 9th January 2018

What Happened Leading Up To This Date
I were doing really well in every aspect of my life. I were really happy thoroughly enjoying my life in the countryside with my therapy dog Molly , taking for her walks in different parts of the surrounding countryside all within a ten minute reach of my home . I recall the only negative thing that occurred were I lost my job in events around the end of Christmas/beginning of January , a job I thoroughly enjoyed and which I always put 110% into everything I did at various locations in Manchester , mainly event city in Trafford Park .

Crashing Down

On Friday the 19th of January of 2018 I impulsive took an overdose of my medication , a combination of Quetiapine and Promethazine , subsequently an ambulance was called and I were taken to Blackburn Hospital where I were monitored and transferred to a ward .

The following day I were assessed by two nurses from the crisis team , I explained to them I don’t know what happened I was really happy and then I came crashing down , I also explained to them that I’ve been hearing voices and having intrusive intense thoughts to harm and kill others and that I wish the overdosed had killed me , the two nurses said I needed to be placed on a section , but of course with it being the weekend their were no beds . So I jus had to stay on the ward under constant observation until their were bed availability , I couldn’t help feeling like a fraud sat amongst really sick elderly patients and in the knowledge that if their were a bed another really sick patient could of had mine , but I knew it wasn’t my fault , as the bed shortage crisis is just getting worse and worse each and every year .

Punishing Myself

On the ward at Blackburn I had stopped eating completely and began to vomit constantly , so i were prescribed nourishment drinks which can only be given by a qualified healthcare professional for those who are malnourished , have an eating disorder or are unable to eat solid food .

January the 22nd 2018

I were informed that a bed has become available for me on the Shakespeare Ward at the Harbour Hospital in Blackpool , my only massive feeling of relief were knowing I’m going to the best hospital in Lancashire , I were there previously in 2016 and it’s a really supportive therapeutic unit .
I were placed on level two observation levels which means patients that are on these are checked every 10 mins . I were for the first week going so light headed and dizzy , I felt so close to passing out , on one dizzy spell as I were falling down I banged my head . I felt so incredibly weak I were shuffling tiny little steps everywhere like and elderly lady , holding onto every chair and wall so I didn’t fall again , the wall walk was very supportive holding me up all of the time .

I’ve had a few self harming incidents .

I am still detained under the mental health act and I still want to end my life .

My diagnosis is that of Bipolar Disorder , emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder & anxiety . I over the past two or three years have also developed increasing anxiety surrounding food , and now because i want to die as a form of punishing myself it’s got to the point where I am not eating at all .

Blogging Is Therapy

Ive always had a passion for writing , and blogging for some can be like an online public diary . I write to raise awareness of ill mental health & sometimes I will publish posts like this to give an insight to what it’s like to live with a mental illness . My illness stem from pregnancy , hence the aptly named title of Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood . If you would like a real insight into an acute mental health ward , I also have a Facebook page filled with lots of live videos , here is the link – Mental Health support worldwide and support in pregnancy & motherhood .

I will end this piece with the inspiration behind my blog & everything I do .

Taliana

Becky

A positive day 🌼

Hey guys just a quick post 🙂

I hope everyone’s had a good start to the week so far ….


Everyday is a struggle to manage my mental health , but today has been a good day 🙂 #makeupday #noworkforme #chiledvibes 🙂👌🏾

Love Becky …